Fine

*I found this post recently, it was still in draft form, from over a year ago. Interesting. I am not in this "place" anymore, rather, as much but it still holds true. Mind you, I am fine. Seriously. I am. I needed something to post, or somethin'.

I've found many ways to master the "I am fine" response. I sound fine, act fine or look fine.

Well that last one is debatable because I am overly self conscious to a deafening fault. Which makes me simply bias of myself, we are our own worst enemies, eh.

I am scatter brained today; because this is new. I have a lot on my mind. It is like a speeding scroll of blurry words, phrases and images. And I can't just pick one. No, I don't want to pick one, not one of them. I just want it to all go away. All of it.

I am just tired. Tired of feeling like I need to explain things. Explain me. I am tired of being misunderstood. Of being me. And I kinda like me. So today just plain sucks. See the scattered pattern here? Even I can't keep up.

I was going to discuss the sounding, acting and looking fine aspect of my life but it means bringing up my disease. And lately I could seriously do without the damn thing. I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to prick my finger. I don't want to count carbs. I don't want to bolus. I just don't want to think.

Thinking gets me in a whole lot of trouble. I don't need any more trouble in my life, really, I don't. I am still trying to convince myself of this, apparently. Of course if you receive an email from me, a comment, a reply or talk to me, I sound fine. I sound like I have not a care in the world. Nothing is wrong, could go wrong. All is fine and dandy.

Pish posh poppycock I say. Any excuse to say those words; yes, I will use anything as an excuse. I am a champ at deflecting via my crass humor. It does become a challenge to be witty with the right tone/inflection all at the right moment though.

Why do I feel the need to act like this when I am not fine? I know when I am fine. When I am ok. When I am good, great, better and even worse, bad or awful. I know.

So why do I try to hide behind this "fine" word? If there ever was a time to use my favorite hashtag, this would be it. #rhetorical

Believe it or not, (I've come to realize I say this WAY too much) I know why I do. I know Exactly why I do. I think it's......wait for it.......pish posh poppycock but I do know why. Oh joy. Yet another thing to think about, to deal with, to consider.

Does it ever end? #rhetorical