"The first man to compare the cheeks of a
young woman to a rose was obviously a poet;
the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot."
- Salvador Dalí
young woman to a rose was obviously a poet;
the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot."
- Salvador Dalí
That's funny. And quite possibly true. While I like cliché's as much as the next person [rolls eyes] some of the famous phrases we've heard throughout our lives do hold some weight. Some are heavy and a burden. Some are easy to cast away. Some follow us like a looming shadow. Some lead us to new and exciting places. Some leave us simply wondering.
The past few weeks have been, um, unsettling to say the least. To say the most would mean me really opening up to the interwebs....but really it would mean me being truly honest with myself. Why can't I see the writing on the wall? It's write there, in front of me; bold and true. Right. I erased it. Is it too much to ask for too much of a good thing? Apparently.
One of my favorites, my whiskered version of course, is curiosity killed the cat (No, it didn't, Katsi is still here.) but satisfaction brought it back. My issues are my entertainment.
A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. Ahhh. Now we're getting somewhere.
This no smoking thing. See. [rapid blinking] Now this one here is a problem. To make it easier on all of us (Via the web none of this affects you directly, no second hand smoke and whatnot.) I shall use some bullet lists (To also keep me from rambling. Stop laughing. It's not nice to laugh at someone. Laugh with me. When I tell you to, of course.).
How I feel when I smoke:
How I feel when I Don't smoke:
What I learned recently after I quit smoking:
What I learned recently after I smoked again:
(O M G no she didn't! O M G yes, yes I did.)
I know smoking has nothing to do with my current onslaught of issues. I know not smoking or smoking has anything to do with anything really. I do know that I hate it. I do know that now that I did again, I do Not miss it. I do Not like it.
So, there's that.
Now to figure out the rest of it. Why am I such a mess? Smoking has Nothing to do with it. Again, there's that (I will do whatever I have to to stay quit this time, ok, not entirely but you, oh forget it this run on sentence is losing momentum.).
I must love myself in order to be loved by someone else.
And then there's that.
Frack.
But in all it's cliché glory (cue angels with blinding halo's and the "ahhhhh" music via harps), that last one is so very true. It's a burden - if I let it be. It's easy to ignore - I know because I am an expert at it. It looms - not unlike a big yellow ball I've been ignoring. It will lead me to new and exciting places that, hopefully, will leave me wondering with a constant grin on my face.
I have to believe that I am worth it. I have to believe that I am important. I have to believe I am doing this for me. Ultimately this is about me. Oh fun. But until I really, truly believe all of this....not much will change with my life.
And let me tell you, I Need Change.
(The random capitalization appears in many forms, look for the tone and inflection, it will make sense, promise.)
The past few weeks have been, um, unsettling to say the least. To say the most would mean me really opening up to the interwebs....but really it would mean me being truly honest with myself. Why can't I see the writing on the wall? It's write there, in front of me; bold and true. Right. I erased it. Is it too much to ask for too much of a good thing? Apparently.
One of my favorites, my whiskered version of course, is curiosity killed the cat (No, it didn't, Katsi is still here.) but satisfaction brought it back. My issues are my entertainment.
A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. Ahhh. Now we're getting somewhere.
This no smoking thing. See. [rapid blinking] Now this one here is a problem. To make it easier on all of us (Via the web none of this affects you directly, no second hand smoke and whatnot.) I shall use some bullet lists (To also keep me from rambling. Stop laughing. It's not nice to laugh at someone. Laugh with me. When I tell you to, of course.).
How I feel when I smoke:
- Dirty
- Disgusting
- Relaxed (not so much)
- Unworthy
- Lame
How I feel when I Don't smoke:
- Relaxed (not so much)
- Clean
- Good
- Acceptable
- Loveable
What I learned recently after I quit smoking:
- The world Smells something awful
- I smell good
- I feel good
- I still have a ton of problems
- I still can't sleep
What I learned recently after I smoked again:
(O M G no she didn't! O M G yes, yes I did.)
- It is DEEEsgusting!
- I didn't cough....weird
- It smells awful
- I don't feel any better
- I am an awful person (not so much)
I know smoking has nothing to do with my current onslaught of issues. I know not smoking or smoking has anything to do with anything really. I do know that I hate it. I do know that now that I did again, I do Not miss it. I do Not like it.
So, there's that.
Now to figure out the rest of it. Why am I such a mess? Smoking has Nothing to do with it. Again, there's that (I will do whatever I have to to stay quit this time, ok, not entirely but you, oh forget it this run on sentence is losing momentum.).
I must love myself in order to be loved by someone else.
And then there's that.
Frack.
But in all it's cliché glory (cue angels with blinding halo's and the "ahhhhh" music via harps), that last one is so very true. It's a burden - if I let it be. It's easy to ignore - I know because I am an expert at it. It looms - not unlike a big yellow ball I've been ignoring. It will lead me to new and exciting places that, hopefully, will leave me wondering with a constant grin on my face.
I have to believe that I am worth it. I have to believe that I am important. I have to believe I am doing this for me. Ultimately this is about me. Oh fun. But until I really, truly believe all of this....not much will change with my life.
And let me tell you, I Need Change.
(The random capitalization appears in many forms, look for the tone and inflection, it will make sense, promise.)
4 comments:
You need a friend to keep you from smoking . You need to marry someone who tells you that you need to quit daily . I quit when I got married and no he was not a smoker but truly hated smoking . not me just smoking lol !!! I wish I were close to you because by god you would quit with me around you . I would see to it . I would be your mom in that instant world . Oh well at least try please to quit . Much love as always .
my husband is trying to quit smoking, too. It sounds like you are much farther a long than him since he still hasn't gotten to the "feeling ok when not smoking" part. The thing that has worked for him is kind of a stages approach: he cuts out every 5th cigarette. He craves a cig, has it, repeats 4 times, then waits at least 3 hours til he gives in to the 3rd craving. Its gotten him down to 4-6 cigs a day and he's going to keep trying! It is hard to wacth someone go thru it (he's moody and sad sometimes and complains about smells and tastes he never used to mind), but its weel worth it for your health! Stay strong!!! - Bethany
Okay, you smoked again. That doesn't matter. What matters is that you quit again!!! And that you didn't like smoking very much. But honey, whether you smoke or not does not make you lovable!! Smoking is not who you are. And it's who you are that has made you so lovable!
"All you have to do is try."
My favorite cliche. Hanging up on my laundry room wall. If you try, that's a big, giant, step you get to applaud with your favorite fancy.
It doesn't matter what it is: feeling good, smoking, not smoking, dentists, getting out of bed, sleeping, cleaning up dog/cat residue, showing up for work, showing up and being social. You just have to try, and that is more than good enough.
Hang in there.
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